“The act of acceptance, of acknowledging that change is a natural part of our interaction with others, can play a vital role in our relationships. These transitional periods can become pivotal points where true love can begin to mature and flower. We are now in a position to truly begin to know the other. To see the other as a separate individual, with faults and weaknesses, a human being like ourselves. It is only at this point that we can make a genuine commitment, a commitment to the growth of another human being – an act of love.”  –Howard Cutler quoted in Offerings: Buddhist wisdom for every day by Danielle and Oliver Follmi.

This month, as we are barraged by candy displays, fluffy pink bears, and all manner of Valentine cards, it seems a good time to reflect on the complex and ever-changing nature of intimate relationships. In this regard the popular media has seldom been our friend, ever pandering to that very real part of us that hums, “Someday My Prince Will Come”, longing for a perfect, unconditional love that replicates the infant/parent bond. It may be that we long for this in proportion to the trauma we experienced in early life, literally seeking in a romantic partner what we did not get from our parents.

In his landmark book, Getting the Love You Want , Harville Hendrix proposes just this: we seek what we did not get in childhood in our mates, and it is up to both partners in the relationship to articulate this, and to find this fulfillment in adult life. There is much truth to this, but I find that people also need to develop an independent and self-nurturing capacity, ie, do both: learn to love yourself, and then, out of this love, choose a partner from your own high self-esteem who is just as capable of self-love and intimacy.

A tall order, particularly because so many of our choices of a partner are made on the surface, when we are so young we don’t have a depth of understanding of mature love that Howard Cutler writes about.  We “fall” in love, the very term betraying a plunge from rational consciousness. “Love is blind”: we are motivated out of passion, obsession, desire. Our films and legends are full of this, and no matter how often we see the dark side of love portrayed (From Romeo and Juliet to the beautiful Danish film, A Royal Affair), we continue to “fall” again and again.

The makers of Valentine chocolates and floral displays know this all too well. Ironically, the real Saint Valentine was a rebel priest living under the oppression of the Roman emperor Claudias (Some may remember the marvelous BBC series with Derek Jacobi as the stuttering emperor). Valentine was all about promoting monogamy in a promiscuous society where women had no rights and were predominantly victims of polygamy, slavery, or prostitution. Claudias enacted a decree that prohibited the marriage of young people. He believed that unmarried soldiers fought better than married ones, because married men might be afraid of what would happen to them or their wives and families if they died.

Valentine set about to marry young people in secret, believing not only in the Christian sanctity of marriage and family, but that people needed the sacred bond of intimacy in order to become most fully human. For his conviction and Romantic beliefs, he was imprisoned, and tortured. During his incarceration, he was able to pray with and reportedly, to heal the blind daughter of a magistrate. Ultimately Valentine was assigned to a three part execution of beating, stoning, and decapitation. His last words were an endearing letter to the magistrate’s now-seeing daughter, “from your Valentiine.”

It is fascinating to contemplate how Western society transformed this tragic tale into hearts and flowers. Some would say commerce knows how to manipulate mass psychology. Indeed in the early twentieth century, Sigmund Freud made a voyage from Vienna to America and met with innovators of the advertising agency. The result, among many other mass manipulations, is “Valentine’s Day”.

Am I a Scrooge about Valentine’s Day? Quite the contrary. Whatever its origins, February 14^th is a marvelous opportunity to express the depth of your love for everyone in your life: partner, children, parents, relations, dear friends. By peering beneath the cardboard heart, we can open ourselves to the complexity and bounty of love. As we love ourselves, so we can deepen our love, enthusiasm, and expression for others.

I close with another quote from Offerings, by psychologist and Buddhist monk, Jack Kornfield: “Our capacity for intimacy is built on deep respect, a presence that allows what is true to express itself, to be discovered. Intimacy can arise at any moment; it is an act of surrender, a gift that excludes nothing.”

And a final tip of the hat to the real Saint Valentine, who had the moral courage and self-esteem to value own judgment above the dictates of a corrupt authority. A healer, who honored the value of women, and the loving heart in all of us.